Tiny Mustache
by EbbyGothic
Summary: Cartman and Kyle have been together for years. When Kyle puts two and two together he works out his lover is actually the enemy and he's finally fed up with it. *song fic, one shot based off Stephen Lynch's song Little Tiny Mustache.*


Kyle reached out snatching up a nearby vase and flinging it against the wall just missing Cartmans head.

"Get the fuck out of here!" Kyle shrieked as he violently searched for another possible projectile.

"Wait, wait babe. Can't we talk about this?" Cartman requested to no avail as an urn came hurtling before his head and crashed in a cloud of dust.

"Mother fucking Jew, those were my grandmothers ashes!" Eric growled fanning the cloud from around him with his hands.

"There it is again you tubby fuck, the J word. C'mon baby, admit it you're a Nazi." Kyle pressured.

Rolling his eyes as he'd finally allowed the dust to settle around him, Cartman sat on the sofa his eyes planted on an obviously fuming Kyle.

"I swear on my nan, who is now residing up my nose and in my lungs, I am not a Nazi." Cartman replied, a mischievous grin spread across his face.

Kyle sat in the recliner across from his boyfriend, defeat apparent due to his forlorn expression.

"This isn't working…. I've stuck around hoping it'll improve and you're just too intolerant of my beliefs." Kyle explained exasperated.

Cartman petted his lap as he locked eyes with his lover.

"Come sit on my lap and we'll discuss it." He offered.

Kyle shook his head. "I just can't."

"What's the issue Kahl, tell me and we can work on it. Maybe couples counselling or something along those lines." Cartman suggested.

"Couples counselling he suggests." Kyle announced in disbelief his arms crossed angrily. "Can couples counselling remove the swastika tattoo on your head? Huh?" Kyle probed.

Cartman paused, his expression stern. "No but I could have laser or a cover up done, we can work it out. I'm willing to do anything to make you happy Kahl."

"It's so much more than that Eric, you're a Nazi and I either didn't see it until now or refused to admit it through the years. Why are you even with me when you hate my people?" Kyle quizzed.

Shaking his head Eric stood up and began pacing. "What the fuck are you going on about? I'm not a Nazi, I don't have your people and I am with you because I love you, you fucking idiot."

"Ok where shall I begin?" Kyle groaned.

"Anyway you like you fucking kike." Cartman exclaimed obviously frustrated.

Rolling his eyes and sighing Kyle held up a hand silencing his boyfriend.

"Ok I you did it again, just then but if you want to talk, we'll talk. I won't discuss the small issues but let's clear the air on the big ones. Our fifth anniversary card. What did you write? The ginger quizzed.

Biting his lip Cartman let a smile play at his expression.

"It was just a sweet quote from my favourite piece of literature." The brunette replied.

Standing up fists balled Kyle began to jitter about. "It was a fucking quote from Mein Kampf asshole!" He shrieked.

Climbing to his feet Cartman held up his hands to calm his partner.

"The exert was tasteful and Mein Kampf means my struggle dumbass, and my life was a struggle before I had you as my own." Cartman said thinking quickly.

"Fine I guess I could buy that, so what about your fascination with the whole Nuremburg thing… the names of our dogs even? How do you explain that huh?" The Jew quizzed as he began to calm himself down a little.

Laughing once again Cartman thought on his feet.

"I happen to enjoy educational programming Kahl, plus that trial was fascinating."

"Really I heard you watching the tapes again yesterday and you sounded like you were watching football and your team just lost." Kyle stated.

Shaking his head Cartman layed back across the sofa.

"It's obvious to me Kahl you're delusional, I was watching the game with Stan and Kenny and my team did lose." Cartman defended.

"Don't try to change the subject, I knew you watched a game yesterday I made snacks and opened beers for you all, the event I'm referring to happened at about eight o'clock, during the night. You lying Nazi piece of shit. I'm so fucking sick of your bullshit, if you admitted it we could get past it but you continue lying to me." Kyle shouted getting aggravated.

"I don't really need to hear anymore but go on. Our pets names, where we first met and what did you say to me on our first date?" The Jew reminded his lover.

"Oh so now you got a problem with me naming our dogs after brilliant militants?" Cartman retorted.

Kyle scoffed. "Uh, yeah, I fucking do. Goering and Goebbels were Hitler's men, did you forget Hitler lead an army with sights on full annihilation of my religion, or did that slip your mind like so many other things do?"

"How can I ever forget you and your fucking gold hungry people won't fucking let it go." Cartman snapped his hands over his face as he grew tired of the argument.

"Go on, answer the rest. My morbid curiosity is aching to hear what bullshit you can spin." Kyle snarled.

"We Kahl, met at a Wagner Fest…. You were there too." Cartman answered.

"And as for our first date, who cares if I had some drinks and goosestepped across the dancefloor. Alcohol is weird like that." Cartman added defending his actions.

"No, the goosestep was just another humiliation. What did you say to me when I said you looked great?" Kyle questioned.

"I said white power, it was a joke. Fuck you're uptight. Seriously I mustn't be fucking you enough because you're always grouchy like you need to get laid." Cartman barked.

Moving into the pairs bedroom Kyle exited with a bag stuffed with his belongings.

"What are you doing, don't be an idiot Kahl." Cartman stated as he eyed the red head.

"It hurts because I love you with everything I am, but I can't be with an ignorant Nazi like you a second longer. You hate my people and claim to love me. Get real. I can't do it anymore Eric, I just can't. So I'm leaving you." Kyle muttered staring toward his lover, his green eyes filling with tears.

"C'mon babe, we can work it out…. I promise. So let's go into the bedroom and I'll make you feel good again." Eric suggested smiling softly as he sat up.

"Well it sounds good but I don't want to role play tonight baby." Kyle answered, thinking Cartman may've finally understood he was serious about leaving.

"YOU WILL WEAR THE TINY MOUSTACHE AND YOU WILL FUCKING LIKE IT OR IT'S IN THE OVEN WITH YOUR WORTHLESS JEW ASS. SEIG HEIL, SEIG HEIL!

"Fuck you, you aft fucking nazi piece of shit." Kyle shouted as he stormed toward the door, slamming it upon exit.

Eric sat on the sofa and smiled as he stared around the empty house.

"Kahl, Kahl come back." Cartman mocked. "I need someone to make my sauerkraut." He added laughing evilly.

Turning on the TV Cartman chuckled to himself as he kicked up his feet and enjoyed the peace.

"For every whining Jew, Adolph says there's a final solution. Thank you lord Hitler, you were right." Cartman said to the TV as Hitler was on the screen giving a speech delighted his Antisemitism had lost him a boyfriend.

Cartman slowly drifted off to sleep. Deep down he loved Kyle but even more than his love for Kyle was his passion for torturing the Jew. Eric knew Kyle would come back, he always came running back and now Kyle knew Cartmans no so well concealed secret, the Nazi would make the Kike's existence hell on earth and as for that Tiny Moustache, Cartman had plans, wicked plans to degrade Kyle upon his return. The ginger masochist would wear the mustache, stapled to his top lip as long as his Fuhrer commanded.

* * *

Hello again everyone. I hope you enjoyed this one shot. I've recently been talking to my friends on this site and they're my biggest support. (Yes I have friends on here, big shock.) So due to my recent good mood I gave them all the option to get a one shot written and dedicated to them. My friends were asked to pick a song they like and two South Park characters. Then my mission was to write something entertaining that describes what the person means to me. Got it.

This one shot is dedicated to my sweet babe kyleisgod. The song chosen was Little Tiny Mustache by Stephen Lynch and the pairing was obviously Kyman.


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